So… Rollerblade games on NES, Mega Drive, Xbox, PlayStation, PC, Mobile – What’s the best one ever made? And which is the worst?
Ok, to get this out of the way immediately: rollerblade games are far and few between. They pop up in our past as events of history which pass most people by. Only when you go looking do you uncover their odd and speckled past. A few gems shine out however…
Let’s look at the history of rollerblading video games bringing us up until modern times which was, at the time of the early games, the exciting, but decidedly dystopian ‘future’.
Rollergames – 1990 – NES
Rollergames was a short-lived TV show from the early 90s, a mix between gladiators, roller derby and WWE, back when it was WWF (before the panda sporting wilderness guys rightfully won that acronym).
It was the 80s crossing over to the 90s in uncomfortable fashion, and is saved for all immortality for your pleasure:
Maybe they’ll bring it back?
Anyway, the NES game is nothing like it. But loosely some teams from the show – the T-Birds, the Rockers and Hot Flash (which sounds like a venereal disease) – had to skate through 6 side-scrolling stages of action set in the future. The future back then, which was the 21st century.
We’re now in the future, so it’s up to us to judge whether they’re prediction came true:
Another incredible treat for you right there, if you’ve got 25 minutes to spare (and who doesn’t?), then you can watch the game from start to finish, or you can skip to 22:41 and find out how I feel going to work every morning.
Verdict: eh, mixed. Tries to combine platform with a beat-em up, but doesn’t mix very well.
Rollerblade Racer – 1993 – NES (DOS, MS-DOS)
Desperate to suck the money out of the hands of the crazed rollerblade fanatics of the early 90s, I can only assume Radiance, the game developers, gave this project to an intern or their angriest employee. It is as far as I can tell a hate-filled game that rips off Paperboy, but takes everything out of Paperboy that made that game any good.
The music of this game sounds like an alien species early attempt at a sound weapon that causes human brains to fry in their skull.
Verdict: fucking shit.
Skitchin – 1994 – Sega Genesis (Mega Drive)
My favourite quote from the Wikipedia article about this game is:
“Following it’s release, it received generally negative reception.”
What a wonderful quote.
Some dudes on the internet have been a bit kinder to this game.
It’s basically Road Rash but with skates. So Road Rash you were on a motorbike going along attacking other road users trying to knock them over by kicking them et cetera. Skitchin has you “skitching”, which is hanging on to vehicles while they drag you along, while you also attack other people.
Okay, I love finding these awesome old school videos where some dedicated go-getter has recorded himself (it’s definitely a guy), playing an entire game from start-to-finish. But… If I have to see one more “Grammarly” advert I’m going to stage some sort of dangerous protest…
Verdict: at the time negative, in retrospect, some nostalgia.
ESPN Extreme Games 1,2,3 – PlayStation – 1995
Basically a racing game, again like road rash (once they get a good format…), but you could be rollerblader, BMXer, skateboarder et cetera.
It’s content however was not that of the eponymous X-Games, as enjoyed on the TV by 90s kids with the right channels. (just wanted to get in the word eponymous – but didn’t even really use it correctly).
Here it is in all its glory:
Verdict: mixed but probably 1 out of the 3 is okay. Not sure which one though.
New Rollerblade Game Coming in 2020…
Roller Champions: Demo’d at E3 2019
As of writing, the demo is out and has been described as “surprisingly fun”. Which is understandable, because if this game was fun you’d been surprised. It has all the characteristics of the old failed attempts at making inline skating on a computer game fun and not stupid. But if the reviews are to be believed then they may have done it.
It’s futuristic roller derby…
The fun in the game will come from how well they’ve nailed the controls allowing for different skill levels to develop, for good interactive play with team co-operation, how exciting the game is in terms of it’s sudden change of directions, and how satisfying it is to score and win.
Initial murmurs sound good meaning it would be one of the few rollerblade games in history that people didn’t find pointless.
Of course, to a greater or lesser extent all video games are pointless, but nevermind.
Back to yesteryear….
Verdict: Wait and see if it’s just hype
1 / 2 / 3Xtreme – 1995 – 1999 – Playstation
My favourite quote out of reviews for these games:
The Xtreme games have always been a mediocre racing series at best, but now, with the release of 3Xtreme, the series has hit an all-time low.
This Guy
Lovely.
It’s a racing game where you can be on bike, skates, et cetera. But not too great apparently.
Verdict: bit shoddy.
Jet Set Radio – 2000 – Dreamcast
Re-released 2012, so obviously someone liked it. By many accounts a bit of an odd game, but quite original and with a style all of it’s own. Once you get used to the controls and get into the flow of the game it becomes a lot of fun.
It’s basically a bit like Tony Hawks only you’re a futuristic street gang on skates who have to spray paint everything to get their missions accomplished. You have enemies and you even have to spray paint them.
The game has a weird style all of its own with a focus being on DJs, hence “radio”, but it draws you into it and it becomes a lot of fun. Lots have fond memories of this game.
Verdict: A Classic
Aggressive Inline – 2002 – PS2, Xbox, GameCube
The Tony Hawk of Aggressive Inlin. The Tony Hawk series was a brilliant series, incredibly fun to play and helping keep skateboarding so popular. This was the aggressive inline’s best punt at that formula and it seems to have been well-liked, if not nowhere near as popular as the Tony Hawks game.
Big fun levels featuring the pros at the time in 2001, who are probably relaxing with their feet up now, playing this game with their kids.
Verdict: A great aggressive inline skating game, if unrealistic (but hey, most games are)
X-Bladez: Inline Skater – 2002 – Playstation
Right, so we’ve had two great ones. One even considered something of a classic in its way. Suddenly things are looking up. And then comes along X-Bladez:Inline Skater.
Just in case we thought game developers had got this clearly difficult format right – perhaps they’d figured out the formula – this game arrives and ruins everyone’s day.
Verdict: a terrible waste of everyone’s time
Rolling – 2003 – PS2, Xbox
Ok, so this one has a couple of very happy guys on Amazon who apparently couldn’t wait to get this game in the US from Europe.
But, when you look at game rankings it gives a less glowing overview
This could be thought of as a more realistic attempt at aggressive inline.
Verdict: this could very well be a good game. More realistic than Aggressive Inline. Does split the fans though.
BONUS:
“Roller Skating Girls”
A different take!
Another smartphone game, not sure about this one:
Tell me what you think in the comments. Oh wait, I disabled the comments…
Just keep it to yourself then.
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