If you’ve not read the first one, it’s official, you have completely skipped over the 80s… How could you? If you fancy neon spandex get over to it here but if you want to push on, let’s start with the 90s classic that you might be looking for:
1990s
Airbourne – Seth Green, Shane McDermott, Jack Black (1993)
6.3/10 · IMDb
A young pretty boy finds himself turfed out of his surfer’s paradise home and on his way to the cold, grey Cincinnati after his parents ditch him to go to Australia for some reason. He ends up in a school full of kids he doesn’t know, and his good looks and sun tan stick out like a sore thumb. Some girl gets a crush on him, he has to deal with some bullies. But don’t worry, everything will be sorted by rollerblading, which it turns out he’s good at, and it turns out people care.
If you’ve just read this and you’re like “must.watch.now” then it looks like Amazon prime does it here. Alternatively, you could just head out to your local Blockbuster store and rent it on VHS, and while you’re there in the 90s I want a push pop, some tribal print shorts, and a slap bracelet please.
Prayer of the Rollerboys – Corey Haim, Patricia Arquette (1990)
5.6/10 · IMDb
“Nothing like rollerblading with a permed mullet”
YouTube critic
This comment may sum up this movie, direct from a critic on YouTube, where the entire film is available to watch for free.
This was a prescient film that apparently predicted the financial crash of 2008, the opening scene has the following monologue:
“Before many of you were born our parents caused the great crash, they were consumed with greeds. They ignored repeated warnings and borrowed more money than they could ever repay.”
The film was heavy on economic theory
So, did it really predict the crash?
I think it’s safe to say, it did.
You need a new family, a family who care.
The rollerboys care.
Help the white army win back their homeland. the day of the rope is coming.
Now, I haven’t seen this film and I have no intention of watching it until I run out of a lot of other stuff to do. But, it looks to tackle issues of racism that run to the core of American history…
Starring the heartthrob Haim, a bit of a tragic story…
…
…
Okay, this is amazing. I never knew researching every rollerblade film ever would take me on this journey. I’ve just learned a new term, “zen filmmaking”. Okay, so that is a term someone coined up when they make a film without a script. They basically have no idea what the actors are going to say, or what the scenes are going to be. So, I wonder how something like that would go? Something like this:
Special Section: The Rollerblade Seven Movies (Zen filmmaking. i.e. just randomly hoping the actors create a decent film)
Rollerblade Seven – Allison Chase Coleman, Producer on the Amazing Race
1.9/10 · IMDb
Okay, please just go to YouTube and search the above “rollerblade seven”. That is all.
Legend of the Roller Blade Seven
1.5/10 · IMDb
The sequel to the above film.
Return of the Roller Blade Seven–
1.6/10 · IMDb
Okay, it seems they blew themselves away so much by the first film, they followed it up with TWO sequels.
Allison Chase Coleman, the winner of 3 Primetime Emmy’s, was in all three films.
An aside, according to Google the first film had a budget of $300,000. Now, I know this isn’t a lot of money to make a film, but it’s a lot of money, full-stop, especially back then. And they chose to spend it on this. I suppose you can only raise that money if people are expecting to get it back (and maybe they did?), but surely a hospital could use a bit of a help now and again as well.
Brink! – Erik von Detten (1998)
7.1/10 · IMDb
It was only a matter of time. We’re now into the Disney family movie territory. This film scores an incredible 7.1 on IMDb, putting it in the same camp as some of the best films ever made, if these reviewers are to be believed.
And if you’ve ever seen a Disney film where it’s the outsiders vs. the bullies (every Disney film ever made, and every Disney film ever yet to be made), then you can probably guess what happens. I don’t know though, I haven’t seen it. It could end up taking a horrible turn, like the main character (who leaves his helmet conspicuously unstrapped to look cool or because he’s just forgetful and none of his friends care enough to tell him) gets a serious injury and is paralyzed from the neck down for the second half of the film. Kind of like how My Girl just veers of a horrible cliff when (Spoiler alert, I’m about to ruin the ending of a classic teen movie), the Home Alone boy gets stung repeatedly by wasps until he dies, presumably in a slow, agonizing death off camera. But if something like that doesn’t happen in this feel-good Disney movie, I think you could probably predict the ending.
Bonus Selection: The Mighty Duck Movies
The Mighty Ducks – Emilio Estevez (1992)
6.5/10 · IMDb
So hopefully you’ve heard of this one. It’s about ice hockey predominantly. Your classic 90s kids sport film.
A self-centered lawyer must pay his dues by coaching a rag tag youth hockey team.
D2: The Mighty Ducks – Emilio Estevez (1994)
6.1/10 · IMDb
Want more Ducks?
Cue Emilio Estevez shouting up to a little boys window “Hey Charlie, want to play some hockey?”, some classic 90s movies music (don’t know how to describe it other than that), and a bunch of teenagers instantly quitting their jobs to go skating.
D3: The Mighty Ducks
5.4/10 · IMDb
The third movie made less than half that of the original at the Box Office, and so far Disney hasn’t felt we’re ready for a fourth.
Where are they now?
If you have a burning desire to find out where all these actors ended up, here’s a neat summary:
…
…
Totally doesn’t count, but as an aside, some of the characters in Hackers rollerblade:
A great 90s mix there…
Summary of Roller Blade Movies from the 90s
Well, that’s the 90s. Disappointing really. Not that many films that weren’t just some men walking around with cameras hoping to be hit by artistic lightning. Or having just been hit by lightning and walking around with cameras immediately afterwards and trying to make a film.
Certainly no huge name stars showing up left, right and centre like the previous decades.
But I guess there are three stand out films (not counting the ducks ones) that some people seem to love. So by that measures the 90s rules for rollerblading films. So there you have it, I’ve just completely changed my mind in the course of two paragraphs. That’s great journalism right there.
(there’s no way any of this qualifies as journalism)
Let’s go into the 2000s which is maybe getting long enough ago now where bad movies sort of count as nostalgia and not just a useless waste of everyone’s time. Then again, maybe not.
2000s
So something happened in the late 90s early 2000s. Rollerblading exploded like almost nothing has before becoming the world’s fastest growing sport. Millions upon millions of people were buying rollerblades especially in the US.
Then, apparently overnight, it fell of a cliff.
The X-Games took it out, leaving skateboarding and BMXing intact, and just didn’t talk about it…
Maybe that Brink! clip above gives us an insight into some of the social dynamics at play in skate parks around the US, skateboarders vs. skaters. Or maybe everyone who tried it started hurting themselves, got jobs, grew up and moved on. Maybe it didn’t seem all that cool anymore.
But that brings us to the first 2000s movie on the list, which is about the death of rollerblading:
Barely Dead (Documentary) – 2005
7.9/10 · IMDb
One of the highest IMDb scoring movies on this list, is a documentary about how rollerblading was killed by the corporate world. How the passion and love for the sport survived but in a withered defeated form, deep and buried beneath the surface. How the rollerbladers lost, and what the world looks like now, still struggling on the defeated side.
You can watch the entire documentary on YouTube here
Warning: you may go down a tunnel into the underground scene of rollerblading after watching this film, finding out what happened to everyone who loved it back then (key: most of them are old with kids. But they still skate).
My Super Psycho Sweet 16 – MTV (2009)
7.9/10 · IMDb
There is every chance this could be your thing…
Inspired by the MTV “reality” show Sweet 16, it’s about a spoiled brat who wants the perfect party, but instead everyone gets murdered. There’s an outcast girl thrown in for good measure as the one you’re supposed to want to live.
Zone – 2015
I’m completely cheating here. This isn’t a movie like every other movie on this list is, but it’s my favorite rollerblading film so I’m including it on the list.
They’ve chosen to do the whole thing without music, which is a beautiful creative choice. It’s the sound of cars driving past a skate park, their wheels across the asphalt, their boots scrapping walls, stationary shots of empty parks with the sun rising and bird song in the background. Snippets of their conversations as friends who’ve known each other for years.
Men in their 30s and 40s – shots of them stretching because you have to at that age – skating with an artistic style they’ve created from years of skating, perhaps as a consequence of not really wanting to throw their body through the air and get injured, but still being completely in love with the movement of the skates.
It follows on nicely from the ideas behind Barely Dead, in that inline skating has lost. It has been defeated by the more popular skateboarding, supplanted even by scooting amongst the very young, and these are the old guard whose love for the sport has survived. They’re not sponsored, they’re not stars, no one wants to pay them to do this. But they just haven’t stopped skating, while the world has continued around them.
Almost every shot is beautiful. It’s a film also about zen, without anyone saying as much.
Shots of them holding their hands in a yoga prayer position shows how their philosophy of skating (whether they have a conscious one or not) has grown past “doing cool tricks” into finding the joy of skating in a world that doesn’t care or want them there.
Roller Life (Documentary) – 2016
8.5/10 · IMDb
If you’re even remotely interested in roller derby then definitely watch this film.
The only reason I’m not writing more about this film (other than not having seen it), is because I’m tired and I’ve run out of milk. I need to go to the shop now and get some.