(Part 1)
Quite simply, here’s a list of pretty much every roller skating or roller blading film ever made with a quick summary to let you know whether it’s worth watching (Hint: depending on your tolerance to cheese and nostalgia, either all of them are, or none of them are)
1900 – 1960
The Rink – Charlie Chaplin (1916)
7.1/10 · IMDb
Charlie Chaplin plays a bumbling waiter on roller skates. What’s not to like? Played to piano music and featuring a trademark excellent performance by the legend himself, it might be the first rollerskate movie in existence. Watching it closely, I don’t think roller discos have changed all that much other than the disco balls.
The entire movie is available on YouTube…
If you want to own the DVD for some reason, it’s here
The Fireball – Mickey Rooney (1950)
5.7/10 · IMDb
An oldie, and according to the reviews, not much of a goodie. Staring Mickey Rooney as Johnny Casar, an angry young man living at a Catholic orphanage run by a kindly priest played by Pat O’Brien. He decides to run away and lands a job as a dishwasher until he attends a roller derby match (a classic tale). Dun dun duuunnnn… He catches the eye of Mary Reeves, played by Beverly Tyler, and it all begins from there…
A rare early appearance for Marilyn Monroe…
Roller Skating Movies From The 70s
Ok, now here comes a bunch, looks like the 70s was a time filmmakers thought “must jump on this bandwagon, there’s money to be made here” and then proceeded to make a bunch of really shit films. Big name stars too.
I didn’t know this before this research, but in 1972 there were TWO films released about roller derby team staring a female in tight clothes with big breasts who gets into fist fights and wrestling matches with other women, struggling to make a name for herself and please the male owners. I feel pretty confident at least two separate movie producers thought “women, fighting, sport” – quick, make a movie! (Edit: I found out why this happened… see below)
Kansas City Bomber – Rachel Welch (1972)
5.5/10 · IMDb
In the world of rollergames, there’s room at the top for only one. And there’s only one. She’s the Kansas city bomber, and she’s the hottest thing on skates.
The bomber is at it again.
Judging by the trailer, it looks like a masterpiece.
Something to do with a rivalry in the team and a hell of a lot of fighting everywhere. Reminiscent of WWE.
Seems like quite a lot of fighting.
Unholy Rollers – Claudia Jennings (1972)
5.7/10 · IMDb
Yes, this came out the same year as the Rachel Welch film… I guess they were competing, like Antz and a Bugs Life… According to Roger Egbert who was around at the time, he heard the intention was to rip of the expensive Kansas movie and get to theatres first. But it took longer than planned and came out after…
Unholy rollers is according to a fake trailer on the internet:
“A whirlwind tale of speed, sex and stardom”
In any case, it’s historical legacy is currently that it scores 0.2 points higher on IMDb than the film it was supposed to mock.
If you’re willing to look, you can find the entire film on YouTube…!
And if having the movie for free, right now, is too annoying, you could order a DVD and wait a few days (or depending on whether by the time you read this, President Bezos has passed his drone bill, just open your hands out and look down in them)
Roll, Freddy, Roll! – Tim Conway (1974)
7.6/10 · IMDb
Something about a roller-skating record. Tim Conway playing a computer programmer whose name, for the purpose of this brief synopsis, shall remain a mystery, tries to top his son’s stepfather by setting a new record. It does have 7.6 on IMDb though, and the premise does sound like it could have layers of sadness intermixed with the humour, but I haven’t watched it and I’m not going to so you’ll have to do your own review.
Roller Boogie – Linda Blair (1974)
4.5/10 · IMDb
Following her American Sweetheart role in the loveable classic The Exorcist, Linda Blair made the obvious leap from a possessed vomiting demon to a film about roller skating and love. You could watch this film as perhaps it was supposed to be seen, the prequel to The Exorcist. It may make a bit more sense that scenes of such wanton hedonism are surely courting the Morning Star.
It makes you ask, did she deserve what happened to her in The Exorcist?
My favourite comment beneath that YouTube video is:
“It’s cooler than everyone sitting around on their phones, that’s for sure”
Rollerball – James Caan (1975)
6.6/10 · IMDb
I’ve actually seen this one.
I got all the way up to the last 10 minutes, they were building up to uncover the secret running all the way through the movie (that I’m pretty sure got ruined in the trailer, but I don’t actually know because I haven’t seen the ending). It was apparently the big, last game of rollerball against their rivals, and James Caan was about to do something big to topple the great, powerful elite who were fighting against him, and then I think I made a tea and wandered off. This shouldn’t be a reflection on the movie mind you. If you’re in to slightly weird, sci-fi-esque, partially-high-concept mixed with smatterings of 70s-era movie violence (so, nothing compared to GoTs), and you like your movies to feature a heavy handed amount of Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor, then this could be the film to settle on from this list.
Skatetown, U.S.A. – Patrick Swayze (1979)
4.7/10 · IMDb
The one thing that strikes me about this list so far is just how many incredibly famous actors have starred in rollerskate movies. I wonder what we think is “okay” now, will be cringe-worthy in a decade or two? Superhero movies?
“Remember when roller skating was a loner’s sport?”
But now…
… And cue the disco music.
This films appears to be desperately clinging onto the 70s, when the 70s was fading away into the background. This is a “celebration of love, on wheels”.
It has scored a disappointed 4.7 on IMDb, despite a few ardent fans (67 in total) desperately awarding it a 10.
Somehow it appears to be on Blue Ray
Though I’m not sure I’d trust that…
Rollerskating Movies From The 80s
This is more like it. Now we’re getting into the classic era, surely?
Xanadu – Olivia Newton John (1980)
5.2/10 · IMDb
The 80s kicked off with this at the time much-hated musical.
I believe the internet is telling me that some people love it though. Over one thousand, six hundred people gave it 10 out of 10 on IMDb.
It seems in any case to bring out strong opinions in people.
From Urban Dictionary:
“One of the most wretchedly godawful movies ever made. An absolute waste of time, film, money and effort. It was a total dud and a bomb during the summer of 1980. The story line was unbelievably stupid. It was possibly the worst movie ever released to public cinemas until that exalted status was taken by “Sibling Rivalry” ten years later.”
Film critic
Gene Kelly makes an appearance in it.
I’ll leave it to you to judge which film is his better from the two.
If you want to own this film, it is humanly possible to do so via Amazon.
Now, out of the people who presumably own the film, Amazon raters seem to love the thing.
It’s almost 5 stars out of 1,000 reviews.
I hope the following review is helpful to you:
“This is the real La La Land…..in its campy, somewhat disorganized way, Xanadu emerges as a true reflection of Los Angeles art culture. It also happens to contain one of the best movie soundtracks ever made. When you throw out your traditional criteria for judging the value of a motion picture and think of Xanadu as a work of artistic expression from one of the world’s most unique cities, you not only enjoy Xanadu, you receive sensual pleasure.”
Sensual pleasure.
Get Rollin’ – Pat Richardson (1980)
8.5/10 · IMDb
Okay, this actually looks good. (I’m sorry that as your official reviewer I haven’t watched this film, or any of these films for that matter).
“I’m going to be The Muhammad Ali of Rollerskating”
It’s a documentary about some Americans who love disco rollerskating. It follows ‘Pat the Cat’ Richardson, Vincent ‘Vinzerrelli’ Brown and Inez Daniels, whose lives revolve around their local rollerdisco in Brooklyn.
But I’m not sure where you’re actually going to find this to watch it. Can’t find it on Amazon or other sites anywhere.
Roller Blade – Starring No One You’ve Ever Heard Of (1986)
2.9/10 · IMDb
Action/Comedy scoring 2.9 on IMDb. That gets us off to a good start.
So, it’s set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland (L.A.), and some evil doctor wants a crystal, and the crystal is currently in the hands of a nun in a wheelchair.
Ok, before you watch this trailer, I have to warn you, there are tits in it.
As far as I can tell from the trailer, it’s pretty much the exact same film as Mad Max: Fury Road.
If you have to choose between watching one or the other, maybe just flip a coin?
Solarbabies – Alexei Sayle (1986)
4.8/10 · IMDb
There’s a lot of post-apocalyptic things going down in the 80s. Solarbabies is another (excellent/terrible – delete as appropriate) example.
This one has renegade teen orphans in it. I guess they’re the solarbabies.
I bet they had arguments about whether to name it “rollerbabies” or “solarbabies”, I wish someone could travel back in time and tell them it didn’t matter, it was all a pointless waste of time anyway.
(to be clear, I don’t want to cast aspersions on this movie, I haven’t seen it, so I’ve only got the four thousand people on IMDb who collectively claim it’s a 4.8)
I feel like if I had actually gone through this list and watched every movie, there should be some sort of prize for me. Or anyone actually. Ok, I’m putting this out there now: if anyone watches every film on this list (and films yourself doing so), then you should win a prize. I’m not going to sort out the prize myself. You find someone else. But you have my moral support (definitely not any financial support however, or any other kind of support).
Rollerblading Movies From The 90s
Now we’re moving into the future! We have the technology! We can re-arrange the wheels and put them in a line! We have a new device to sell movies with: roller BLADES. Plot? Don’t worry! We have tricks!
I have to say, being alive in the 80s but not old enough to make a living as a film critic, I can’t remember being disappointed at the time by the lack of good rollerblading films. But having just gone over it now, the 80s sucked for rollerblading movies. 1916 was a good time to be alive for rollerskating movies (although there was just one), and then the 70s were good if you had really low standards. Let’s see what the 90s has to offer?
Let’s get this out of the way, if you’re searching for rollerblading movies from the 90s you’re looking for this one:
Airbourne – Seth Green, Shane McDermott, Jack Black (1993)
6.3/10 · IMDb
He’s sent to his Aunt and Uncle in Cincinnati because his parents care more about their work. He hates the cold, and he’s bullied in hilarious fashion. But then, as most people discover, the only way to win over his aggressors is to become really good at rollerblading.
The lead actor has an annoyingly beautiful face.
You can actually just watch this one on Prime (must be enough nostalgic types looking for it)
…
There’s too many to do in one sitting, I give up in the 90s.
Part 2: The Rest of Rollerblading Movies (Coming soon)
(Main Image Credit: https://unsplash.com/@mrsquiggle)